by Ahmed Mukhtar
I once read a piece of a mythical tale from Solomon’s Island, where if people want to take down a tree they gather around and curse it. After some time, the tree dries up and dies. This tale usually drives me to reflect on the power of words. The Swahili saying, ‘ulimi huuma kuliko meno,’ literally translates to ‘the tongue bites more painfully than the teeth’. Most of the time people utter words and later blame it on their state of mind: Oh, I was annoyed; oh, I was disappointed; oh, I was under the influence. The unfortunate bit is that words strategically plant a seed in the mind of the victim. Even if you choose to ignore it, that seed is nurtured by your characters to the individual and, every time you repeat the same mistake, that seed continues to grow. For example, when you repeatedly tell a child he is stupid, it gets engraved in the child’s mind that he or it is indeed stupid. This cultivates low self-esteem in the child. And just like that, you destroy the life of this child. Believe you me, it is easier to bring down someone’s self-esteem than to raise it up.
It is very sad that, in assessing whether a relationship is abusive or not, we never qualify and quantify verbal abuse as part of domestic abuse. Verbal abuse has taken many men to their graves. It slowly kills men’s ego and eats up their self-esteem. ‘I have never seen such a useless man’. ‘Mwanaume suruali’, ‘I wish I never married you!’ These words might appear very light, but they have sent many men six feet under faster than any sharp knife would do. It is very sad that we never see it coming; we only realise it when it is too late. This is because society expects men to be strong. Men are not expected to break down. But the pressures of life only lead them down a destructive road. Should we ask why one starts abusing drugs? Why does one suddenly become too reserved? Why would one stop socialising with his friends? It is simply because he has a lot within him to process.
Let me bring this point home. I have a crazy mind that keeps irrelevant words until it is idle enough. It then calls for an internal meeting. Hey you, do you remember the person you love said she should have chosen another person? Do you remember that she said she had better choices than you? Have you ever found yourself trying to defend someone not to another party but to yourself? You find yourself self-comforting, ‘But she has said several times that she loves me and that I am the best.’ In the same breath, you wonder, ‘But what if she was just massaging my ego?’ It is a bad situation that is very hard to get out of. As I have said, I have a weird brain that waters that seed of doubt and highlights all the red flags that were previously unnoticed. It is like a knee-jerk effect, harder to avoid than avoiding to blink. It is harder to explain your doubts to yourself than to a second party. With time you lose that battle as you realise your mind is more powerful than you think.
I learnt that this is because 95 per cent of brainwork is subconscious and, once a meeting is called in the conscious brain, you are likely to lose that battle since most of the things have been processed without your consent. A lot, more than the 5 per cent can counter, will have been pieced together. This might seem mundane but it really is depressing. At this point, your conscience starts questioning your self-worth, your mere existence, and whether it is worth holding on. This is when many lose the battle. You are likely going to make irreversible decisions if you do not have enough psychosocial support. You need to gather more external defences because the internal prosecutor has done its homework well and is ready with a decision. This is where you need a sober amicus curiae to give independent advice to the court of your mental justice system. It will help in crafting a more palatable judgement. The testimony of the amicus curiae holds more ground than the prosecution and the defence who will almost be losing the battle. The amicus might not help much with the defence but he might ease the sentencing. In simple terms, the mere fact that you have opened up will help lessen the burden as you will have offloaded a heavy psychological load. It will also help identify reasonable steps to lift you out of the situation. You will even realise that others are going through far worse situations. You might find out that you were complaining about the colour of your shoes and how they do not match your top while the person you are complaining to has only one foot. You will realise that your situation is better than his situation could ever be. God does not give a soul more than it can bear.
Just as they can kill, words can heal too.
We need to reassure one another and be supportive to one another. Stress is real and depression, just like Covid-19, should be treated as a disease that needs urgent attention. The best gift we can offer each other is our time. And we should listen without judging. Never say you understand what another person is going through. You may be in the same situation but affected differently. Your coping mechanisms might be very different; saying you understand another person’s misery might be a mockery. We should try as much as possible to have someone we can seek counsel from. The person should be non-judgemental and should have the ability to listen instead of simply hearing. And s/he should be someone who knows how to reason.
Many bartenders are better listeners than men of the cloth. That is why many men opt to go to bars where they are less likely judged instead of retreating to places of worship where they are likely to be branded ‘sinners’. Men of the cloth should help shepherd these lost sheep who have lost control of their minds. Let them realise that these sheep cannot reason and that they need guidance. Let them check on them and shepherd them back to the track. You should check on your friends. It is better to listen to them now than to read their eulogy later while wondering why they did not share their suffering with you. Couples should learn to listen to their words twice before letting them out since you can never take them back. Words stab deeper than the knife of betrayal.
Penned by a pained soul that fears to be judged. (journey4rmdpression@gmail.com)
Editor’s Note: This is the second piece in a series of pained thoughts by Ahmed Mukhtar. Read the first piece here. You may write to editor@nairobibookshelf.com.
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